this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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