The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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