I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
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And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
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What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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