Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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