Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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