i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
