Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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