i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think I won the penis lottery.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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