NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
