Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
