Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
