Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
