Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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