i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
