Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
