he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
