It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
