i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
