your room smells of hookers.
And success
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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