Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
