I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Ketchup is God's man juice
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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