K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
