Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sext me about skeletons
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
