i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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