I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
