just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
