she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
