so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
