I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
