Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
