Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
