Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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