i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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