I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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