He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
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not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
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She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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