i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
