Taylor Swift is so right about you.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
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I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
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They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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