And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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