I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
