What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
