A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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