Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
