Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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