just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
