I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
