she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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