I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
