you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
