low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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