My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
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it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
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I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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