Will you blow on my dice?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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