Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
