I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
