Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
