I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
