I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
