Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
