i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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